Last Grind

Lost between the crevices,

are dusts of what have been.

Scampering, trying to hang-on,

palms tensed, brows dripping sweat.

The futility of it all is pitiful,

the innocence has persevered cluelessly,

trudged unknowingly, lost even before it began,

crumbling pillars of sleight.

Armed with shattered pieces,

it was all for naught.

Bleak realization has come,

still desperately clinging, enduring.

For life is such-- everything eventually succumbs,

time is both an affliction and a relief,

possessing and then liberating,

as she slowly fades away.

Rob LP

10/22

4:37 PM

I Love You More =)

Note: This is in response to I Love You =)

------------------------------------------------------------------------


I love you more than the break of morning,
where the sun casts its warm comforting glow,
where hope sprouts anew,
and sensibility restored.

I love you more than the exhilaration,
of doing something new,
where the novelty of it all,
fills your senses, prods your faculties.

I love you more than the peace and quiet,
bursts of tranquilness ever so elusive,
even the raging storms pale in comparison,
to the intensity of my affection for you.

I love you more than our thousand days,
brimming with fervor unimaginable,
dappled with shadows of all strokes here and there,
tears don't really matter when all that's me is you. 

09/14/2016
10:56 AM
PBC

DENOUEMENT

Image from Narcodigitalhedonism

Naked, shivering, cold

thread slowly

thins sheets of ice are beneath me.

You stumbled

once or twice don't seem enough.

Lit a cigarette

smoke billows up to the sky,

follow your gaze to the stars,

what's there in the pale moonlight,

what's there on the other side?

Glint of a sharp knife's steel

hold it in your hand so welcoming,

borrow it's thoughts you'd be free,

of the place you once belonged,

bid farewell

it all ends here.

11/12 - 8:17am

Batcave

ITERATION

Image from SpiritualHealingSource.com

Straddle the passion,

Eyes wide open,

Screaming in silence.

Unsee,

unsee,

unsee.

Release that laughter,

So long unheard,

Kept in the depths.

Shush,

shush,

shush.

Out of the void,

But only temporary,

Go be wild and free.

Stop,

stop,

stop.

Only this is,

Ever so fleeting,

A taste of what's not.

Yield,

yield,

yield.

11/11/2016

9:45PM

CBTL Venice Piazza

Infinite Light

Image from blog.myheritage.com 

For the light that shines since I opened my eyes,

so warm and bright whether calm or in strife,
never falters, never dims on each nook and cranny,
the very same guides me to see life's a daisy.


My voice may waver but my heart never shies,
for my love for you's the kind that never dies.
How can one forget that so special person,
who only has devotion for what she see's perfection?


To the One above, I can't thank Him enough,
for without her, it would be so tough.
Yes I'm lucky, and we all are,
these angels on earth are nothing but above par.


5/13/2012
Fam Mam

Post Lamentation

Image from Ghost in the Machine, Jacob Sutton

I've come undone,
swept by the tidal waves
I've been devoured.


My synapses pulsing wildly,
furious at the blatant consciousness
in the cross aftermath.


I've struggled to retaliate,
dumb stricken by the desolation,
and yet I've held back.


Far ahead in the distance,
there's a flicker of light,
I ran after.


Nowhere to go, nowhere to be,
but facing a glint of hope,
I've never looked back.


April 16, 2012
7:15 PM

Wiped-Out

Note: This is purely a work of fiction. I've written this long before I actually tried riding some easy waves back there in La Union... I also remember that surfing was the last thing on my mind while working on this.

I fell in love with the ocean from the moment I've heard of it. But it was similar to getting to know a person. It was a learning process. Before, I used to be doing fine with just swimming along the coast for it was easy and safe, but later on, I decided to take it a notch higher. I'd learn to surf.

I knew then that it would be difficult for me just by the way it looked. But on the day I started, everything was perfect! It was as smooth as silk. The waves were calm, the breeze was blowing gently, the sun was shining brightly. In short - perfect. Little by little, I started gaining confidence. I even thought it would always be like that. I had no idea it was nothing but beginner's luck.

Sometimes, I could surf without any obstacles at all. In those times, I'd think I was born for the job. There were some occasions when a wave or two knocked me off, but it's okay, nothing's perfect.

Suddenly, on one of my sessions, a giant wave engulfed me. It was much beyond my expectations. I didn't know it was coming. I was kind of expecting it already but it hit me real hard and brought me ashore. I was stupefied beyond my wits.

I was scared for the longest time that I swore not to step on my board again. But my love for the sea overcame my fear. Yes, my fear was still weighing on me, but I wasn't the type to easily give up so I decided to give it another shot. Anyway, they said that what didn't kill you made you stronger, right?

I was hesitant when I put my feet on the board again. But the ocean welcomed me with such tempting delight. So slowly and carefully, I made my way through. I tried paying attention to everything so as not to make the same mistake again. My confidence started to trickle in. I thought that maybe this time, I finally got everything under control.

I was still recuperating from the previous incident when as if on cue, a big wave came up and pummeled me with such a force, it disoriented me for a while. My previous wound was still fresh but now I was left with more bruises than I could handle. I was despondent.

Would I ever learn to ride those waves? Should I accept them as part of what I wanted to become, or was it really not for me?

Bet you can tell.

September 3, 2008

1:47 pm

Fam Mam

Displaced

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

I couldn't forget the day I found it.

Among the others, it shone the brightest.

I nurtured it, nourished it.

In return, it gave me happiness well beyond imagination.

But somehow, it had grown formidable.

It began consuming what was supposed to be mine alone.

The day came when I could no longer comprehend it,

I was scared, confused.

I still gave my everything, hence I grew weaker.

And all I could recognize was its side facing me.

In submission, I just let it be.

And prayed it would be its turn to take good care of me.

September 2, 2008

2:47 PM

Fam Mam

Excerpts from Prelude to a Better Life

The book's front and back cover.

I always feel inspired to write whenever I'm at the height of my emotions. I'm not a professional writer whatsoever, but writing has always been my outlet whenever I want to express myself out.

Anyway, eons ago, I had written some sort of a novel. It's called "Prelude to a Better Life", which is *ehem* about how "we" ended up together. I've copied and pasted some excerpts which I think I can safely share. Here goes:



--o0o--

End of the First Term

 .......Today is the last day of the semester. I woke up with full conviction that I should at least say goodbye to him. I even rehearsed in front of the mirror.

         “Hey, hope to see you next sem?!” eww, kind of desperate...

         “Hi, happy vacation!” good, but can I really say that sounding happy?

         “GOODBYE! Enjoy the sembreak!” this one will do. Simple yet, double-meaning.

         Come to the classroom early though you know he’s always late. Go to the restroom, fix your face, practice your smile, smoothen out your clothes. Go back to the room. He’s still not there. Go downstairs. Buy a drink and then go back. No sign of him. Decide to go outside the building. Find a secluded spot where you can see him enter the edifice. 3 minutes. Nothing. 5 minutes... Rrinngggggggg! Uh-oh that’s the bell. Rush back to the room. The professor is already inside. “Ma’am sorry I’m late.” Everybody’s looking at you. Your friends are staring at you questionably. When seated, grab your mirror and take a look at yourself. My goodness! You look like you just came out of an oven. Hair flying everywhere, face slick with oil and your blouse has pit stains. Ugh! Somebody enters, look immediately. It’s not him. Get some powder and dust your face while the professor’s back is on you, and for chris sakes! Comb your hair! He enters. Now what?!.................

--o0o--

What a ‘Coincidence’!!

...........Another ‘coincidence’ plan: it’s V-day, and out of curiosity, I wonder if he’s got something for me. You know, like a bouquet, or a long-stemmed rose, or maybe, to make it subtle, a small, handpicked flower... I know it sounds a little far-fetched, but I’m hoping nonetheless. Who knows? Maybe a miracle is coming my way... Yah, yah, I’m desperate, but who the hell cares?!

         Dressed in perfection (again), I decided to seat strategically at a Mini-Stop just outside the campus where I could see him pass by on his way to class. My plan is something like this: Upon seeing him, I’ll follow him silently and walk as fast as I can until I’m a little ahead of him. Then, I’ll drop a book on purpose, look behind me in the midst of picking the book, and act kinda surprised to see him. Brilliant eh? Haha!

         At about 2:50 p.m., I saw him. I immediately left my position and started going after him. I was a little disappointed because his backpack seemed to be empty. Even so, I’m still sticking to my plan. Maybe he’ll greet me the sweetest “Happy Valentine’s Day!” with matching, “I love you!”. Oh, just thinking of him and his voice makes me so happy. Hehe.

         We were walking on a wide street and I was still behind him. Funny, I noticed that he’s looking at every car’s side-mirror to check on himself. I never thought that he could be vain. What’s more funny was that he’s walking in a zigzagging motion, going from one car to another on the opposite side of the street, and back again, and so on and so forth, and I found it really challenging to follow him.

         After a couple of seconds, our gap widened. He’s so fast! I couldn’t catch up! Hello! Are we on a race here? Hey, please slow down!! Gah, I wouldn’t be able to take it if my plan failed again... Run girl, run!!!

         We arrived in the room 30-seconds apart. Obviously, he was the first to arrive, and I was panting after him. I wasn’t able to catch up because of many obstacles: his a-la-marathon speed, my high-heeled shoes, my A-line skirt which made it hard for me to walk in strides, plenty of girls carrying giant bouquets that are blocking my way, plenty of evening students rushing to beat the 3:00 bell, plenty of mid-students rushing to go home, a bunch of people flirting on the stairs and along the corridors, et cetera.

         After catching my breath, I learned from a friend of mine that the boys had pitched in a few bucks to buy roses for their girl classmates. Wow, this smells good! Maybe he would be the one to hand me my rose. Gosh! I’m so excited!  Hey woman, don’t look at him, he might feel shy. Just pretend to be doing something, so when he gave you your flower, you’d look genuinely surprised. Bow your head, and act as if you’re reading a book!

         Then I grabbed the nearest book I could get my hands on. It was a Theology book! Wow, when did I ever learn reading a religious book?! On the afterthought, maybe that’s what I really need right now, God’s mighty intervention..........

The Good in the Bad

I’ve struggled with myself from time to time. I think it’s innate already; worrying about my future, wallowing in the present and consistently dwelling on the past… pessimistic as they say, or probably just excessively practical?

They say that misery comes as waves. Just when you think you’re recuperating, when everything seems to be going well, without further ado it hits you straight in the face again, like you don’t deserve a more agreeable life, like it was already casted in stone that you have to start from scratch over and over again and relieve that painful reality.

It won’t really stop, will it?

Good thing is, after every cold splash on your face, you become more unaffected by it. It hurts as hell at first, but that too eventually wears off in time, you just have to get used to it. Then after eternity, the feeling finally becomes non-existent. We all know that it will never stop bothering you, but anyway it has become harmless already, pleasantly reminding you that you are one hell of a survivor...

Well, it doesn’t end there. Sooner or later, bigger sets of waves will come to seek you. But at least we know that we can freely hope for something better. There has to be a way. There always will be.

Of course, I have had my own dose of good and bad days. I’m thankful for the latter for it gives more meaning to the former.

Lullaby

Hush little one, it’s time to rest,

I know you had such a long day.

The things that had hurt us both,

Let’s put them aside, pray they’d be gone soon.

I’m here for you, stop crying,

We’re both scared but at least we’ve got each other.

I would protect you in my embrace,

In time, everything will be alright.

Don’t worry if you had somehow caused me pain,

Those trials had all but made me stronger.

I’m awed by the fact that you’re still here with me,

Facing the world with bravery.

I too am deeply sorry,

For giving you a dose of misery.

I was blinded by my fears,

I didn’t see that you were just fighting for me.

Let’s now close our eyes and dream of a brighter tomorrow,

For I long to see that smile on your lips.

Here, take my hand and have a little faith,

Because when you wake up tomorrow, I’d still be here.

April 24, 2008

4:52pm

Fam Mam

Not a Windfall

A speck in the eye is all that's left,
How gullible am I to adore the blowing wind.
Just like a child, innocent and eager,
Short of noticing the danger inherent.

 

It hurts but yes, the fault is mine,
For I overlooked the treasure that is time.
Something momentary won't always justify forever,
Though in just a flicker, I almost believed it.

Cry and cry, let it all out.
For that's the only way to banish the pain.
Anyway, it just did its own purpose,
Which is to fly in different directions.

November 14, 2007

5:09pm

Fam Mam

Imperatives

Cling to me and I shan’t go away,

Seduce me by the charm that is of daylight.

Clear the path before me so I can see,

Behold me as if this is the last.

Talk to me like I’m elsewhere,

Look at me with your eyes speaking.

Hold me forever in your care,

Love me as if I'm the only one existing…

November 13, 2007

6:43 pm

Fam Mam

I Love You by Choc

I LOVE YOU =)

 

I love you

more than the sea loves its shore,

even stronger than the falls 

when in great depth it pours.

I wanna hold you close 

and let you feel that I care,

I won't let tears leave your eyes 

with the love I'd gratefully share...

I could imagine the sound of your kiss,

it can silence everything,

it could sweeten a sweet moment

and fill it with great bliss..

Your soft eyes of honesty,

their innocence have smitten me,

it has made life worth living,

and all truth worth telling.

You smile with great sincerity

and I can't help but to fall.

I'd never thought there'll be someone

who will conquer my heart, who will conquer my all.

April 2002

Choc

Optimistically Struggling

Steep as it is,
you shouldn't miss.
Each step counts,
to make the rounds.
Stagger and fall,
hold tightly on the wall.
Pain is good,
learn from it you should.
Do not rush,
or else you'll crash.
Everything is important,
be not ignorant.
Things have a purpose,
God has given you the proper dose.
Just be patient,
things will be lenient.
Take your time,
it will be fine.
Don't worry a lot,
enjoy it out.
And before you know it,
you're done and complete. 



October 8, 2007
Fam Mam

The Irony of Life

Be apathetic in order to understand,
struggle to make up a lie to see the truth,
try being numb so you can finally feel,
keep on walking so as not to get tired,
look around to make yourself blind,
close your eyes and see what's in store.


...For life continues to revolve even when you stop,
and the world halts just when you wanted to ride. 



October 4, 2007
Fam Mam

Come Fly With Me

Come fly with me,
to the highest mountain,
where the snow covers the dirt,
where we can touch the clouds,
where everything looks small,
so you can see the boundary of my affection.

Come fly with me,
to the widest ocean,
where the water looks blue and pure,
where the dolphins break the surface,
where we can ride the waves,
so you can discern the depth of my love.

Come fly with me,
to the farthest land,
where it is green and serene,
where the creatures are roaming freely,
where we can gaze upon the sky,
so you can look at the dreams I made for us.

Come fly with me,
to the world as I see it,
where the field is vibrant and untainted,
where the water runs clear and endless,
where all beings are beaming with life,
so it can all be real.

October 2, 2007

Fam Mam

Dysphoria

The sea is blood creeping on my toes,
tears of pain washing me in agony.
The waves, so huge and strong,
fueling my incessant fear.

The sands beneath my feet are tiny shards of glass,

seeping through my veins, oh it really hurts.

The water, ragingly washing my feet is a trap,

bringing me progressive atrophy.

The wind is wailing, bellowing in my ears,

so loud that I wish to be deaf.

The sky -- a dark blanket, thick and intimidating

warning me of the brewing storm.

The moonlight is as hazy as the fog,

engulfing me as if it owns me.

In each step, gravity is pulling me closer,

the longer I stay, the harder it is to leave...

I don't belong here,

this isn't supposed to be my destination...

I may have gone astray,

how I reached this place, I don't know...

I am scared, perturbed and distressed,

still, it just happened so here I go.

But as spring ends into fall like nature dictates,

so shall this delusion.

I may have to stay longer, perhaps close to infinity,

that will drain my connection away.

Though I believe beyond the clouds,

there's a sun dozing temporarily.

So absorbed in its peaceful slumbering,

telling me to rest along.

I am so tired that I closed my eyes,

and just waited for the approaching redemption.

September 28, 2007

Fam Mam

Of Love and Botchok =p

Botchok and I; Bolinao, Pangasinan 2011

For what is thy balm that holds you near?

When nature sparks, nothing seems to gleam.

Thee solely conjure the magnificent flight,

That compels others to go into plight.

For what may seem an endless delight,

Imperturbable by anything, whatever they might.

Bound for happiness but sprinkled with sorrow,

This pursuit that will take us to ‘morrow.

September 27, 2007

Fam Mam

10 AM Madness

The time of haunting has arrived,
ghouls and ghosts are stirred to leak out.
Imagery one wouldn't dream of having,
appearing in perpetual repetition.

Oh how I abhor this moment!
No impediment in recognizing it.
It manifests inevitably,
and yet I dream for it to evanesce.

Sometimes I'm confused with the definition of reality,
if there's such a thing, why is there oblivion?
Two faces of the coin that continues to thrive,
constant epithets in defining life.

I'm irrational I suppose,
for identifying it with intense delight.
Or is it the other way around?
For existence only makes sense when the unseen seems crucial.

Note: I wrote this during my 10 am vacant class. My mind is a total mess, so please excuse the absurdity of the theme. =p 



September 20, 2007
Fam Mam